I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
