I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
