Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
