We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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