I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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