Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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