at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need water and some morals
Randomize
