good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
