Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So apparently I’m into choking now
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
