Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
