Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize