I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
