I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
