you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
