i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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