I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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