I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize