You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
