So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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