I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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