There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
