I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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