She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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