carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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