I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
