im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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