Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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