i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
