I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize