She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
