i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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