and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
