you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
