I can't watch pbs sober anymore
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
