Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
