There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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