I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize