I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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