mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
