My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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