You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
