I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
