i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
