You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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