This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
