Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
