I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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