4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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