Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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