new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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