fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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