I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
