Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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