I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
