Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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