i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
