Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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