Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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