woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
