She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
