Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
