I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
