i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
