Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize