fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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